Photo by cottonbro studio: zombie ex peeking through a car
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A few years ago, I met a charming man on Tinder while working at WWNY-TV, a little CBS-affiliate in Upstate New York.
He was a warrant officer in the 10th Mountain Division at Fort Drum, which happened to abut Watertown, where WWNY-TV was. He was a total 10: at least 6’2”, blond, chiseled, with blue eyes that sparkled with a tinge of sadness. He also hailed from Alaska which I found exotic.
Though I was on Tinder, like most women, I was not looking for a hookup, so I put him to the test. After replying to his initial message with the generalized salutations of “hi! I’m pretty good, you?” I asked, “so what are you looking for here?” He responded saying he was looking for a long-term relationship. We met at a popular watering hole that evening, had a few drinks and then he invited me back to Fort Drum to hang out, which I did reluctantly after stating repeatedly that I wasn’t looking for a hookup.
Needless to say, we had a whirlwind three-week romance that began with him almost instantaneously asking me to be his girlfriend and stay with him in the barracks. We then commenced a never-ending party at his place that eventually incorporated some of my friends from the television station. Then, one morning, the party ended when he abruptly told me that he “needed space.”
Shocked, I started shoving my clothes in my backpack as I overheard him say, “I don’t want you to be angry!” I left and shortly thereafter he deployed to South Carolina to help with the aftermath of a flood. That’s when he ghosted me entirely.
Both bamboozled and heartbroken, I cried for days in my room recollecting the fun times we had drinking Bulleit Rye Whiskey with his friends in the barracks, who told engaging war tales while nonchalantly tearing beer bottle tops off with their teeth.
He had me so fooled into that so-called “relationship,” he even tried to involve me with the division’s girlfriend and wife’s association, a member of which attended his get togethers (and warned me that he had been married three times before, which was news to me and quite a feat for a man who was only 35).
After word broke that we split at the office, one of the technical directors, a woman in her early 30s, came over to my desk and said, “He was really hot, Gen! You shouldn’t date hot men.”
I understood her sentiment and subsequently her partner selection because she was a hot blond (8 or 9 on the hotness misogyny scale) and her boyfriend was an atrocity appearance-wise, a generous 4.
It took me a couple weeks to purge this unwanted fling from my system.
Then, three months later while I was in the grocery store, he sent me a text message out of the blue. It said something along the lines of “I miss you so much! How have you been? Please accept my apology, I am a vial of rat piss.”
If he had sent me that text while I was still mourning the loss of our “relationship,” I might have responded favorably, but I NEVER go back to a man who ghosts me out of the blue. Contrary to what many men think, ambiguity and eventual ghosting following a split does not leave the door open to a woman’s heart. We may cry and overindulge in pints of ice cream following a breakup, but once we’re over it, it’s over. Meanwhile, it takes men longer to process the loss of a woman. What initially begins as relief for a man who initiates a breakup, eventually becomes a pipe dream of all the good times and benefits he once reaped from his former “lover.”
So why do all the men who abandon you come back eventually, even if they initiated the breakup?
Here are some surprising reasons why:
1. Prostitution isn’t legal yet.
The power of testosterone compels men to seek out sex at women’s expense. If prostitution were legal, then men could quit their conning and purchase sex from a beautiful woman they couldn’t otherwise date because of their lack of desirability and/or interest in a one-time sexual encounter or short fling.
The dating scene is replete with thirsty men low on the societal totem pole, weaving dreams into the minds of single women simply so they can get their rocks off. These guys have no concern for the emotional and bodily harm caused in the pursuit of their selfish sexual desires. They’ll lie their way into a woman’s pants, give her an incurable STD and/or impregnate her just to get their dick wet. That’s precisely why legalizing prostitution will cut down on date rape, STD transmission(s) and male dishonesty. If a man can buy sex from a hot chick anytime, he might enter the dating scene with true intentions, freeing up time for the many women waiting around to find out what their dates are actually looking for.
2. He was dating other women all along and decided to get more serious with someone else. After they split, he came crawling back to you.
a. Many men, especially attractive ones, maintain a roster of women while dating in order to keep their options open and seek out the “woman of their dreams” promised to every average Joe in America by Hollywood and Disney movies.
b. As a personal aside, after I split up with that aforementioned guy, I actually matched with one of his drinking buddies on Tinder (not out of sexual interest, but because we had fun hanging out). We met at a bar to watch a baseball game and he told me that “Brent” (let’s call him that) had been seeing other women the entire time we were dating. I found that perplexing because we were virtually inseparable aside from a few nights here and there and a wedding he went to down South. Apparently at the wedding, Brent met with a nurse he also met on Tinder. Those other nights must have been with someone else. What’s wrong with being alone, guys?
3. He wanted to cheat in peace.
Some guys are so intent on pursuing clandestine polyamory brought on by their known, biological urge to procreate with as many women as possible, they facilitate a short term split just so they can cheat in peace. That’s why they’ll subtly start a fight or push you away and return a few months later, once they get their whoring out of their system.
4. He’s in love with the chase.
Some men are so in love with the chase they’ll head back out on their fishing boat to recatch a throwback. A woman who was once viewed as totally replaceable becomes an enigma when she’s no longer available. That’s why you reveal and give as little of yourself as possible throughout your relationship with a man.
5. He couldn’t replace you.
a. Aristotle once said “never abdicate the good in the name of the perfect.” That’s why male entitlement backfires on average men who think they can get women way out of their league. When a run of the mill dude realizes you’re the best he could get after scoping out the dating scene, he’ll hit you up repeatedly until you’re forced to block him.
b. There’s nothing worse than being caught in a situationship with a man who treats you like an option. (That’s why moving in with a man you’re not married to may prepare you for a marriage that’ll never happen). Sometimes, if you reveal a dealbreaker to an insensitive man during the initial stages of dating, rather than ending things, he’ll keep you around and begin to treat you “any which way” until something better comes along. As long as he gets some benefit from you, whether that’s shared living expenses, cleaning, free sex and occasional companionship, he’ll keep tapping that well until it runs dry, but he won’t commit or make accommodations.
6. You found someone else.
This one always gets me. Most men are biologically compelled to cheat and because they can do so with impunity they go for it, regardless of whether they’re married or in an otherwise committed relationship. Nevertheless, men just can’t stand the idea of seeing a woman they once regarded as a floozie dating someone new. That’s why all those men you now consider mistakes hit you up as soon as they see you and your new beau on social media. Talk about double standards!
7. Some people don’t like the people who like them.
A quirky aspect of human nature manifests when people outright reject those who like them. That’s why men reject desirable women who are too interested and eager to be with them. Don’t fool yourself, this phenomenon is not about self-loathing. Rather, men interpret scarcity and a lack of interest as desirable in a woman, even if she’s nothing special; that’s why some men choose an undesirable woman over one of high-quality, simply because she’s harder to get.
8. You didn’t bruise his ego enough.
Some men won’t respect you unless you figuratively blow their head off. That’s why guys love it when they’re one upped and talked down to by the women they pursue. If you really like a guy, you need to burst his bubble; that bruise to the ego will leak into his subconscious, forcing him to seek you out as an act of validation that he misinterprets as “love.”
9. He realizes the benefits of the relationship now that you’re gone.
Though they may be commitment phobes, men benefit the most from long-term relationships. Women have to invest so much more into a relationship than men. For one, there are less men than women, so they’re harder to land. Additionally, women are second class citizens, so men feel worthy of all women, whether she’s a genius or beauty queen. Gender inequity also explains why many high-quality women end up with low quality men, because all men have more value than all women societally speaking. (Remember the Equal Rights Amendment? That bill still hasn’t been passed since it was initially introduced in the late 1970s, there’s a reason for that). This is all compounded by a woman’s biological clock. If a woman wants children, she has to do so by her early 40s. Her biological clock forces her into settling with men she wouldn’t otherwise date for the sake of her maternal dreams.
How do you get rid of an ex who won’t leave you alone?
Here are some solutions:
1. Tell him firmly that you are no longer interested and then block him on everything.
a. If he follows up with a phony request to be friends, don’t call him out on his condescending bullshit, just say, “I have plenty of male friends and don’t need you.”
b. After letting him know firmly that you are no longer interested, don’t reply to any of his attempts at communication. Since he doesn’t care for your feelings and simply wants sexual access to you, he’ll keep talking regardless of what you say.
2. If he finds a way to interact with you after he’s been blocked, let him know that his behavior is harassment and you’ll file a restraining order if necessary.
a. If a man keeps coming at you for sex and intimacy that you are no longer interested in, he’s not taking your desires/feelings into consideration. That’s why you shouldn’t worry about being mean to a ghost that’s now a zombie pounding away at your window at 3 a.m.
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